Too much time to think?

Over the last few months, I have had many an idea for this blog and my iPhone notes page can attest to this.  However, I have chosen to keep my dalliances, as I have chosen to call them, private.  Keeping them private may seem that I am ashamed...well, yes,  it also may seem like they are boring...well, yes (to some degree), and some may say that it is a cop out, especially when I chose to convey my life so publicly on a blog....all true.

I will not however be going into detail about what I have not been divulging, however, I will discuss what I have found out today.

Being at home for the Chinese New Year holidays was something I had always planned.  Having just travelled back to NZ after 3 days absence for a wedding and then to turn around a week later and travel to the UK for only 3 days was a bit out of control and if I don't see a plane for while then I am pretty content.  However, being here for the holidays, no matter how much work I need to get done around the house, is pretty damn boring and too much about having too much time to think! Not something I like or am used to.

Having a lot of time to think and rehash things has been, not so good, but maybe the best thing at the same time.  I have watched many episodes of 'Single Ladies' which has totally reaffirmed my attraction to fit, toned and incredible irresistible 'cheeky darkies' (may he rest in peace Paul Holmes), and the Bachelor...sad, sad lonely girl has rehashed all of my dalliances that I will not rehash on this very public forum.

It has led me to think about some very important things about my life.

#1 I'm way too trusting (I believe what I am told, no matter what anyone else tells me but then, I usually tend to keep these things to myself)
#2 I am really good at other peoples love situations.

I can see anyone else's situations from the outside and practically see how it will unfold.  I can give my good friends brutal, honest and sound advice and have them walk away happy with their decisions or if not, wishing they had trusted my choice.  Seriously,  it is crazy the amount of times I am bang on when it comes to others love lives.  I'm not sure if it is because of my insecure issues or just the country I'm in, that I can't even sort out my own.  However, come to me and I'll solve all of yours.  Case and point my friends love dramas this holidays.  It seems to me from the outside very plain and simple where it is going wrong.  Put myself in that same situation and nope, no idea what is going wrong.

Is it because us women are becoming so blinded by what we think we want or what we think we see that we are willing to forgo what we really know to be right or what we actually see?  Or is it just that we are ready to sabotage what we have, to really see how that guy will handle a tough situation?

God knows! All I know, is that I really thought I was low maintenance, however, looking from the outside, maybe that is not what a guy wants.  Maybe they want some mystery, some 'hard to get' high maintenance girl?

BLAH! Totally not my style....

So the only thing for it is to move to Atlanta (where Single Ladies is set), to meet my single cheeky darkie or to die alone.....

Atlanta here I come!  Or maybe....according to the quote above, I just need some people to come back from holiday!

Love RSG! xo

Return of the morals?

Instant reaction....unfriend!

When I lived in the wop-wops of China, I never really expected to meet anybody.  Fortunately I was ridiculously lucky to meet not only one fabulous boy but two.  Not at the same time, of course!

One was a little young but absolutely amazing, someone I still look back on now and wonder about. The other, is still sporadically in my life, as he is originally from Hong Kong.

We met one might at one of the only western bars, a friends rooftop bar that he had just opened. He was in town promoting major league baseball - yes, he had a nice body.  We had some good banter, exchanged numbers and when I arrived home I text him telling him how lovely it was to meet him. No response. Oh well, it's China, what can you do? A few weeks later we bump into each other - whoops, I had text the number above his! AND I wasn't even drunk!

We had a great first date  - at a Japanese restaurant Yuya, followed by champagne at my place, overlooking Wuxi - we started seeing each other for the short duration of his trip.

We kept in contact and that was that. When I moved to Hong Kong we saw each other every year at Chinese New Year when he came to visit his grandparents.

Then came the year he had a girlfriend (facebook relationship status). Being the kind of connection that was chemistry central, we always had the best time together, laughed, talked and...well you know the rest, we always said if we lived in the same city we would be together. As this was the case, I thought it best that when he contacted me last Chinese New Year that I decline the invite to meet up - at least that's what I thought I did.

Fast forward (again), to a few weeks after returning from summer break, out on a Sunday afternoon for a friends birthday. After a rather boozy afternoon, drinks continued into the eve and I had a call and voicemail. Imagine my (drunken), surprise when it is a message from him telling me, on the off chance that I was still in HK and still on this number, he dropped into HK to try and see me after a business trip in the south of China. Excited (read: drunk), I rang the number straight back and next minute he was on his way over, claiming I had snobbed him at Chinese New Year with no explanation and he had to find out why.

One AMAZING catch up and night later, he was off back home again, leaving me with fabulous memories and a ridiculous hangover to conquer at work.

The girlfriend,  I was told, was living in London and things were on there way out. He was moving away from his current location but not to be with her, he had a great job opportunity.

Played, played, played, played, played!

Tonight his status came up and I decided to have a little look at his profile - I am thinking of my options for my next move and a job has come up at my dream school, which just happens to be where he is moving from. I was going to post asking his advice/ opinion - after doing a little snooping of course (I'm only human)

After seeing some rather new intimate and involved photos(his family on holiday in Europe with the GF!), I saw someone had posted on his wall asking him about his move. Interested, I looked at his reply:

'Not moving to London anymore. After the wedding, we will move to Shanghai, opportunities have some up for both of us there."

The wedding!!!???? What happened to the relationship was on the way out!?

All I could do was laugh and feel totally miffed.

For desert? Instant dismissal - unfriended on Facebook - the ultimate new age f$&k you.

Again...I can only laugh and congratulate him:

Well played baseball boy!

Never again.

Chin up, onto the next.

Love RSG xo

Men are like public toilets....

...they're either engaged or full of shit.

As a rule, I seem to attract unavailable men.  Taken, engaged, married.  I don't try, it just seems to happen.  

All my life I have found it easy to get along with guys, be a 'guys girl' and have a lot of guy friends etc.  Unfortunately, this had negative affects throughout my school life as I was dubbed 'the flirt',  and a lot more hurtful names.  I wasn't with a lot of these guys, they truly were my friends, however the opinion of others always influenced the friendships and the way I felt towards them.  As I got older, I learned to distance myself from these friendships because of the opinions of other people and that, in turn, effected the way I was around guys and how I interacted with them.

Now I look at myself and cannot believe that I let other people influence my life like that.  I have decided over recent years to go back to the way I was, carefree with the opposite sex, relaxed and happy to get to know them.  

Easier said than done.  

As it stands now, I am so socially awkward with guys that it's embarrassing.  Friends and family comment on my lack of confidence when out and trying to approach and meet new guys, and on the other hand, after a few drinks my confidence levels seem to sky rocket and I'm all over guys....and not so much in an elegant and flattering way either.  It seems that the influence of others has really effected the way I look at myself and interact with men.

Unfortunately, this in between stage that I am in, leads me to admit something that I am definitely not proud of, and is what seems to be my 'happy medium' at the moment, which is men who are taken.

And why not, they are the perfect candidates to practice my boy/girl friendship skills on.  I can be friendly (without being seen as a flirt), have fun without being hit on, build a closeness that won't be influenced by feelings on one or both sides.  

WRONG!

Naive RSG has struck again.  Not only has this plan majorly backfired over the years, it continues to live on.  Meaning I am stuck in a limbo I cannot escape.....the curse of the unavailable man!

Every time I have tried to get close to someone, it has worked!  Worst of all, usually worked too well.  And please do not think that I am proud to admit this.  Either, I get drunk and am all over the poor guy or vice versa, or there is sober mutual attraction or drunken mutual attraction.

NOT ideal.

As people, we are brought up a certain way, our parents influence our lives, thoughts and experiences.  A lot of the time how we turn out as adults is brought back to the way we were raised and what we were exposed to.  Fortunately for me, I was raised by two amazing parents, who although a little strict at times taught me the value of good morals, right from wrong and general human etiquette including manners etc.

So in terms of parenting, I really have no excuses as to my behaviour in the recent year, make that years.  

Over the past few nights I haven't been sleeping well and I'd be lying if I said I didn't know why. 

Last year, a very observant friend noticed a mutual attraction between me and an engaged friend.  We fought a lot and had heated arguments when having a few drinks.  I had to admit that 'yes' there obviously was an attraction however, as he was engaged and clearly not someone I would ever go for, it wasn't even worth discussing.  We had a laugh about it and thought nothing of it.  Fast forward months later after a drinking session with some work friends, I bumped into this guy.  Him drunk, me drunk = not a good combination.  Admissions were made, plans talked about, a fantastic night of dancing and drinking was had and then him waking up in my bed the next day...nope, not the morals I was brought up with.  I could always blame the drink, however with my past records, that excuse won't fly.

I was clearly mortified and nothing more was said on the matter.  We kept our distance and that was that.

Unfortunately, this year we have been thrown together a few times.  NO, nothing has happened.  However 2 weeks ago I recieved a drunken text.  Nothing crazy, a simple 'are you out'.  Unfortunately for me, I was out, out of control drunk and when I woke up the next day I cannot remember sending any of the messages I did or the 2 phone calls I made...luckily unanswered.  Embarrassment central.

Fast forward to this Saturday just gone and I get another message 'Having a good night?' followed promptly by 'Sorry about the text last weekend, it was my fault - drunken texting! Not your fault at all!" Hmmmm, here we go again....being out after a boozy brunch with the girls I text back (morals out the window), back and forth about being too shy to ask me out etc (YOU'RE engaged for crying out loud - pipes up sober RSG), LUCKILY, thank the moral police, my phone died.

This past week, all set to confront him and tell him he needs to stop messaging me on a Saturday night/ at all, I get a message from him sober.  Nothing out of the ordinary, just a small comment.  Of course I can't help myself and I reply.

Even though I know it is half my fault - for getting involved, pushing my morals aside, disregarding common sense etc - rage has started to brew.  He will never leave her, this is against everything I believe in and want, WHY am I losing sleep over this??? 

Anger + Sad + Frustration = Decision.

I HAVE to tell him no more texting AND I need to grow some balls and start talking to available guys.

Lesson learned? God, I hope so.

I'll keep you posted.

Love RSG xo

The checklist

It has come to my attention lately that there are some seemingly 'nice' guys in Hong Kong. 'Nice' guys that are NOT married, who do NOT have girlfriends and who are actively looking for someone to settle down with.

They are actively looking, using as their main weapon of choice - dating websites AND on occasion friend of friends links. They go on one, maybe two dates and then proclaim it wasn't right or give the "they weren't my type" line.  Listening to them dissecting their dates, I assumed that this was really the case, until I had heard the same thing over and over and over again.  I began to wonder...

'Why' aren't at least one of these women their type? Surely in a city of 7 millions people and with a guy determined to settle down it would be easy to hook a girl.  Apparently not....but why? These guys are not horrible to look at, nor are they hiding some freakishly weird habits, they are good guys.

It suddenly dawned on me, these guys are super picky! Don't get me wrong, everyone has the right to be picky, everyone deserves someone fabulous but seriously, surely ONE of these girls has got to be pretty amazing.

Then after chatting with my ex 'date', as we ended things (in a very grown up and amicable manner, I might add),  he said that 'being 36, nearly 37, he knew what he wanted'. My immediate response was fair enough....then I got to thinking (dangerous territory I know).  If he really knows what he wants, how, after 2 weeks and only 4 dates, in which he didn't even try to get to know me, can he figure out if I am right or wrong for him? 

My point is that when I first met the guy I was with for nearly 5 years, I did not want a bar of him. When he gave me his business card, I was thinking hmmm, no way josé (bear in mind, I was 19 years old at the time). As time went on (we are talking months here), and after we spent more time chatting late into the night at work and hanging out with groups of friends, a relationship blossomed.  BOOM, fast forward to nearly 5 years later.  He was totally not my type or someone anyone envisioned me being with but there it was. At the risk of sounding ridiculous, it was love.

Now, I'm not saying time is everything, it was not the easiest of courtships or relationships, but I do think time is a factor. 

However, time is not my point.  My point is that guys in Hong kong seem to think they know what they want (and probably do), however in the process as soon as they date/ meet anyone they do not give them a chance if they do not match up with their preconceived ideas. Skinny, tick, outdoorsy, tick, interested in cooking, tick, speaks her mind, tick, likes The Eagles, I'm outta here...only modern music on my list!

This method may work for some guys  however I am yet to see massive results. My friends remain single and pining for coupledom and wonder why they haven't met anyone yet.

Fact is boys, you've met heaps of great girls, some who are even right under your nose but do you look twice? Stop to really get to know them? Dig deeper?

Got a girlfriend yet? There's your answer.

Ditch the mental checklist and start enjoying yourselves - relax, enjoy the time getting to know someone. Have fun, you might just discover something you hadn't seen or let alone considered before.

Enjoy the similarities, embrace the differences and you may end up somewhere you want to be.

Give us real girls a real chance.

Love RSG xo

How small is too small?

I'm baaaack and jumping straight back into it. 

Think what you will. My reappearance could mean I finally have something happening in my life - remember I am writing about the reality of a single girl (droughts to be expected) - or just that this girl is over feeling f.i.n.e (fucked up, incompetent, neurotic and exhausted), and wants to get a bit of the noise out of her head.

So here goes, RSG back to reality...

I was recently, what I would call, dating someone.  Cue gasps, sounds of surprise, cries of 'really?' etc, etc. Yes. I know. I haven't dated anyone since I was in China - one dates and one nighters excluded. Believe me when I say, this is definitely NOT by choice. It is really not something one chooses and if they say they do, I am so sure they are telling you fibs OR they are sensationally deluded. Scratch that...let's make that if any late 20's/early 30's girl that lives in Hong Kong tells you that, then they are definitely pulling your leg.

Anyway, back to dating.I'm sure you're all disappointed to know that I will not be talking about him or his size below the belt, contrary to how the title may sound - cue his sigh of relief if he ever reads this.

What I do want to talk about is a few instances that happened while we were dating...yes, it's true, it's already over. Seriously, did you expect any thing less from this resident commitment phobe/ non- game playing, too honest girl?

We met through a mutual friend and after a pretty much perfect first date (well in my opinion), and follow up days, things seemed to be going well. I was loving the fact that it was completely anonymous as no one knew him that I knew and vice versa for him (well, except our mutual friend, but he hardly knew her).

As you may or may not know, Hong Kong is a busy city of 7 million, so really it should be pretty easy to be anonymous. For the first year and a bit of living here, it was fabulous- completely anonymous, no one knows you. You can be a reckless and it doesn't matter, misbehave a bit and no one judges you...however fast forward to year 4 and it's a completely different story. You bump into people left, right and centre, which can be really lovely but when you really want a bit of anonymity it cannot and will not happen. People know your business, you hear tidbits, it whets your interest, you have to ask and soon everyone knows yours and everyone else's business. Now, by no means am I saying that I am not guilty of this, oh no, I am totally wrapped up in this too. I hear a tidbit, I want to know more, afraid I'll miss out. Oh yes, I am TOTALLY guilty too!

However, when it comes to your own business, I'm sure everyone will agree, it's a completely different story!

I talked to a friend about my 'date' after meeting him on the weekend. We talked about what had happened and how I met him. Next thing you know, she's telling me she met him the day before and blah, blah, blah she shares more information about this guy than I already know....o.k...not so anonymous.

On Friday night, around about week one, I was excited to meet up with my 'date' later on. Before I met up with him, after a few too many drama filled drinks with the girls, I visited my friends band. Enjoying myself, I was happy to loose myself in the music and happily chat with a few people I knew that happened to be there. Next thing I know, one of them was knowingly pointing their finger at me and saying my 'dates' first AND last name. Obviously after a few bubbles I was taken aback and waited for what came next - a friend of my 'dates' friend, was best friends with this person, who knows me so then knew the situation and then dished the dirt on me back the the friend who then, to be confirmed, probably told my 'date'. Lovely. No more anonymity for me. Ok, deep breath, all is well, that's only 2 people, who may be from 2 completely different circles, but no worries, I can deal with that...right let's text 'date' to see his ETA. Next minute a voice appears over my shoulder, apparently looking at my message, "oh first name, last name, how do you know him, I know him, we went on a course together and you....blah, blah, blah and this person again goes on to tell me more about my 'date' than I already know. Hmmmm...anonymity blown right out of the water.

Ofcourse, me being drunk and after events from the previous year still being well and truly fresh on my mind (another blog completely), I completly overreacted and took it out on my 'date' (another blog entry altogether).

Cue a few more 'wow, what a small world' instances like this and I was left wondering...how small is small when it comes to how, where and when you are dating someone? Can you really achieve anonymity or privacy when it comes to your personal life? And if not, how can you really get to know someone, especially at the already unstable and unsure beginning (also known as the 'dating period'), if everyone knows and shares with you more than you know (or want to know).

Now, I know this is not isolated to just Hong Kong. New Zealand is especially prone to this with their clicky groups and limited places to meet people and lack of choice, due to already coupled up people.

Can you get past it? How do you get past it? Is this just a factor of dating that we all have to deal with?

As always, insight welcome.

All I know, is that being smaller than small may or may not have played a part in mine and my 'dates' demise, but in my opinion it sure did not help the situation.

Until next time...let's hope it's not a year later...

Love RSG! xo

The agonizing simplicity of it all!

On holiday with a good friend we spent the weekend filling each other in on what was going on in our lives and events that had happened since we last parted. As you can imagine conversation topics were changed, referred back to, forgotten, elaborated on and usually finished about a day later...we loved it!

On day 3 we touched on what was going on in my love life and during my agonizing story she gave me the most clear and simple piece of advice.  Still to this day I am shocked that I didn't even think it myself or that no one else told me this.  It has everything to do with the dreaded ex (TDE, as he will be referred to).

To give a little background to you, before I spoke to my wisdom filled friend, I would have described myself and my ex to be amicable (obviously living in different countries helps that), we try to catch up when I am back...try being the operative word...that brings me to my conversation with my friend...

What I had explained to my friend (long story short), was basically how every time I am back we try to catch up to no avail.  Sometimes it's him, sometimes me and I was telling my friend that when it was me that I was even almost using excuses so I didn't have to see him...god only knows why. Most recently, him being on holiday it would be easy to catch up, he told me he would give me a call later in the week to organize something.  Never got that call.  The next week, I get a message late at night asking if I am free for brunch the next day....like I had no other plans!!!! Luckily I did but it left me feeling a little bit mad and even more defiant...this was a reoccurring groundhog day situation and it seems that when it comes to TDE I never seem to come out ontop. Emotions (the negative ones) run rampant.  I mean who wants to be a depressed, un confident, grumpy, defiant person...who is effected by the actions of another person...not me!

Believe me when I say I know I have no hold over TDE or any right to his time or thoughts, that is completely my own issue, which I well and truly admit to, but as my friend pointed out to me TDE isn't even a friend to me.  Friends keep in touch even on a basic level (I am the first to admit I am crap at emailing), want to make plans to catch up and are generally there for you when you need them, they add something to your life and vice versa...her question to me was 'What is TDE adding to your life?'

The answer: Nothing, nada, not a thing.  He doesn't keep in contact, seems to expect me to be free at short notice for him, forgets we have plans, never seems to keep to his word and is usually not the instigator of our catch ups. All the before mentioned drive me insane, make me angry and especially defiant and confused.  Friend? Adding something to my life? I think not. So really, what exactly is tying us together anymore? A once a year catch up for an hour or so? I don't think so.

It's so simple...TDE is not a boyfriend anymore and definately not my friend, what is his function in my life....a great memory of what was but other than that...absolutely nothing!

The simplicity of it is mind blowing to me!

Eliminating TDE from my life easier said than done? We'll have to see.

Elimination commencing...

Love RSG xo

That dreaded question

On Saturday I was fortunate enough to attend a friends pre-wedding celebration at the beach (they get married in Canada so wanted to celebrate with their Hong Kong friends). It was a great day full of swimming, BBQ, drinking, banter and laughs. I had not seen a few of these people for awhile so it was great to catch up and seeing my brother was here was a great excuse to introduce him to a few people.

As people started to arrive I was able to briefly talk with a few people. One of the first conversations that I ended up having was ofcourse one that involved my relationship status...and I must admit it caught me completely off guard. It has been so long since anyone had asked me so directly about it:

- So Amy, are you seeing anyone?

Me: "ummm (taken aback) no, no I'm not'

- "Is that by choice or you just haven't met anyone yet?"

Me: (seriously, does anyone actually in their right mind make a choice to be single?) - I think I blathered here a bit and tried to act confident "I just haven't met anyone yet"

- "Have you tried Internet dating sites?"

Me: (OMG! Leave it alone) "Actually yeah, I did it for a blog entry, and I saw ....... on there" (that's actually why I thought she had asked, I thought she knew)

 

I can't remember if I told her about the few dates I went on etc but it was so out of the blue I was shocked. This is something that I would get constantly in NZ but have not really had here at all - and I have liked it.

Don't get me wrong, this girl is lovely, was only probably making conversation, as we hardly hang out and it probably meant nothing but the fact that it took me so much by surprise got me

thinking.

This morning walking to the mtr,enjoying the incredibly quiet, clear, warm day, the conversation popped back into my head.  It made me start to feel really bad....I haven't really tried to find a man here, I've put on weight, I've been really stand offish with guys, what about that guy? - all

those terrible self-depricating thoughts, that we all have at times but never deserve to be feeling.

Then it hit me...why the hell am I feeling so down about this, I have to be joking...look at what I am having to go through/been through in the last year...family and friends constantly on edge, a lot now without family and/or homes, basic necessities turned on and off like a light switch, visitors in HK, numerous procedures and tests, followed by more depressing results followed by a huge dent in the cash department, resulting in more tests, on top of that, a job that does my head in constantly...I mean, why wouldn't I be looking for a bf right now?!?! Read: sarcasm!

 

Thankfully these thoughts gave myself a HUGE kick in the butt and although I would love to be amongst the dating scene (I will be perfectly honest about that!), I'm not entirely sure how it fits in my world right now. I have to realize that other people only see the outside facts and have no idea of what else is happening in my life (and really don't need too).

PLUS- It was not what the girl said, it was more about how it made me feel which is completely my issue.

 

Oh well...maybe I can fit in some dating in NZ...hmmmm not sure how that will work with no CBD and being winter...hibernation is in fashion...oh well....back to the drawingboard!

 

Love RSG xoxo

(THIS POST WAS WRITTEN: 30/31st May)