Men are like public toilets....

...they're either engaged or full of shit.

As a rule, I seem to attract unavailable men.  Taken, engaged, married.  I don't try, it just seems to happen.  

All my life I have found it easy to get along with guys, be a 'guys girl' and have a lot of guy friends etc.  Unfortunately, this had negative affects throughout my school life as I was dubbed 'the flirt',  and a lot more hurtful names.  I wasn't with a lot of these guys, they truly were my friends, however the opinion of others always influenced the friendships and the way I felt towards them.  As I got older, I learned to distance myself from these friendships because of the opinions of other people and that, in turn, effected the way I was around guys and how I interacted with them.

Now I look at myself and cannot believe that I let other people influence my life like that.  I have decided over recent years to go back to the way I was, carefree with the opposite sex, relaxed and happy to get to know them.  

Easier said than done.  

As it stands now, I am so socially awkward with guys that it's embarrassing.  Friends and family comment on my lack of confidence when out and trying to approach and meet new guys, and on the other hand, after a few drinks my confidence levels seem to sky rocket and I'm all over guys....and not so much in an elegant and flattering way either.  It seems that the influence of others has really effected the way I look at myself and interact with men.

Unfortunately, this in between stage that I am in, leads me to admit something that I am definitely not proud of, and is what seems to be my 'happy medium' at the moment, which is men who are taken.

And why not, they are the perfect candidates to practice my boy/girl friendship skills on.  I can be friendly (without being seen as a flirt), have fun without being hit on, build a closeness that won't be influenced by feelings on one or both sides.  

WRONG!

Naive RSG has struck again.  Not only has this plan majorly backfired over the years, it continues to live on.  Meaning I am stuck in a limbo I cannot escape.....the curse of the unavailable man!

Every time I have tried to get close to someone, it has worked!  Worst of all, usually worked too well.  And please do not think that I am proud to admit this.  Either, I get drunk and am all over the poor guy or vice versa, or there is sober mutual attraction or drunken mutual attraction.

NOT ideal.

As people, we are brought up a certain way, our parents influence our lives, thoughts and experiences.  A lot of the time how we turn out as adults is brought back to the way we were raised and what we were exposed to.  Fortunately for me, I was raised by two amazing parents, who although a little strict at times taught me the value of good morals, right from wrong and general human etiquette including manners etc.

So in terms of parenting, I really have no excuses as to my behaviour in the recent year, make that years.  

Over the past few nights I haven't been sleeping well and I'd be lying if I said I didn't know why. 

Last year, a very observant friend noticed a mutual attraction between me and an engaged friend.  We fought a lot and had heated arguments when having a few drinks.  I had to admit that 'yes' there obviously was an attraction however, as he was engaged and clearly not someone I would ever go for, it wasn't even worth discussing.  We had a laugh about it and thought nothing of it.  Fast forward months later after a drinking session with some work friends, I bumped into this guy.  Him drunk, me drunk = not a good combination.  Admissions were made, plans talked about, a fantastic night of dancing and drinking was had and then him waking up in my bed the next day...nope, not the morals I was brought up with.  I could always blame the drink, however with my past records, that excuse won't fly.

I was clearly mortified and nothing more was said on the matter.  We kept our distance and that was that.

Unfortunately, this year we have been thrown together a few times.  NO, nothing has happened.  However 2 weeks ago I recieved a drunken text.  Nothing crazy, a simple 'are you out'.  Unfortunately for me, I was out, out of control drunk and when I woke up the next day I cannot remember sending any of the messages I did or the 2 phone calls I made...luckily unanswered.  Embarrassment central.

Fast forward to this Saturday just gone and I get another message 'Having a good night?' followed promptly by 'Sorry about the text last weekend, it was my fault - drunken texting! Not your fault at all!" Hmmmm, here we go again....being out after a boozy brunch with the girls I text back (morals out the window), back and forth about being too shy to ask me out etc (YOU'RE engaged for crying out loud - pipes up sober RSG), LUCKILY, thank the moral police, my phone died.

This past week, all set to confront him and tell him he needs to stop messaging me on a Saturday night/ at all, I get a message from him sober.  Nothing out of the ordinary, just a small comment.  Of course I can't help myself and I reply.

Even though I know it is half my fault - for getting involved, pushing my morals aside, disregarding common sense etc - rage has started to brew.  He will never leave her, this is against everything I believe in and want, WHY am I losing sleep over this??? 

Anger + Sad + Frustration = Decision.

I HAVE to tell him no more texting AND I need to grow some balls and start talking to available guys.

Lesson learned? God, I hope so.

I'll keep you posted.

Love RSG xo