Return of the morals?

Instant reaction....unfriend!

When I lived in the wop-wops of China, I never really expected to meet anybody.  Fortunately I was ridiculously lucky to meet not only one fabulous boy but two.  Not at the same time, of course!

One was a little young but absolutely amazing, someone I still look back on now and wonder about. The other, is still sporadically in my life, as he is originally from Hong Kong.

We met one might at one of the only western bars, a friends rooftop bar that he had just opened. He was in town promoting major league baseball - yes, he had a nice body.  We had some good banter, exchanged numbers and when I arrived home I text him telling him how lovely it was to meet him. No response. Oh well, it's China, what can you do? A few weeks later we bump into each other - whoops, I had text the number above his! AND I wasn't even drunk!

We had a great first date  - at a Japanese restaurant Yuya, followed by champagne at my place, overlooking Wuxi - we started seeing each other for the short duration of his trip.

We kept in contact and that was that. When I moved to Hong Kong we saw each other every year at Chinese New Year when he came to visit his grandparents.

Then came the year he had a girlfriend (facebook relationship status). Being the kind of connection that was chemistry central, we always had the best time together, laughed, talked and...well you know the rest, we always said if we lived in the same city we would be together. As this was the case, I thought it best that when he contacted me last Chinese New Year that I decline the invite to meet up - at least that's what I thought I did.

Fast forward (again), to a few weeks after returning from summer break, out on a Sunday afternoon for a friends birthday. After a rather boozy afternoon, drinks continued into the eve and I had a call and voicemail. Imagine my (drunken), surprise when it is a message from him telling me, on the off chance that I was still in HK and still on this number, he dropped into HK to try and see me after a business trip in the south of China. Excited (read: drunk), I rang the number straight back and next minute he was on his way over, claiming I had snobbed him at Chinese New Year with no explanation and he had to find out why.

One AMAZING catch up and night later, he was off back home again, leaving me with fabulous memories and a ridiculous hangover to conquer at work.

The girlfriend,  I was told, was living in London and things were on there way out. He was moving away from his current location but not to be with her, he had a great job opportunity.

Played, played, played, played, played!

Tonight his status came up and I decided to have a little look at his profile - I am thinking of my options for my next move and a job has come up at my dream school, which just happens to be where he is moving from. I was going to post asking his advice/ opinion - after doing a little snooping of course (I'm only human)

After seeing some rather new intimate and involved photos(his family on holiday in Europe with the GF!), I saw someone had posted on his wall asking him about his move. Interested, I looked at his reply:

'Not moving to London anymore. After the wedding, we will move to Shanghai, opportunities have some up for both of us there."

The wedding!!!???? What happened to the relationship was on the way out!?

All I could do was laugh and feel totally miffed.

For desert? Instant dismissal - unfriended on Facebook - the ultimate new age f$&k you.

Again...I can only laugh and congratulate him:

Well played baseball boy!

Never again.

Chin up, onto the next.

Love RSG xo

Men are like public toilets....

...they're either engaged or full of shit.

As a rule, I seem to attract unavailable men.  Taken, engaged, married.  I don't try, it just seems to happen.  

All my life I have found it easy to get along with guys, be a 'guys girl' and have a lot of guy friends etc.  Unfortunately, this had negative affects throughout my school life as I was dubbed 'the flirt',  and a lot more hurtful names.  I wasn't with a lot of these guys, they truly were my friends, however the opinion of others always influenced the friendships and the way I felt towards them.  As I got older, I learned to distance myself from these friendships because of the opinions of other people and that, in turn, effected the way I was around guys and how I interacted with them.

Now I look at myself and cannot believe that I let other people influence my life like that.  I have decided over recent years to go back to the way I was, carefree with the opposite sex, relaxed and happy to get to know them.  

Easier said than done.  

As it stands now, I am so socially awkward with guys that it's embarrassing.  Friends and family comment on my lack of confidence when out and trying to approach and meet new guys, and on the other hand, after a few drinks my confidence levels seem to sky rocket and I'm all over guys....and not so much in an elegant and flattering way either.  It seems that the influence of others has really effected the way I look at myself and interact with men.

Unfortunately, this in between stage that I am in, leads me to admit something that I am definitely not proud of, and is what seems to be my 'happy medium' at the moment, which is men who are taken.

And why not, they are the perfect candidates to practice my boy/girl friendship skills on.  I can be friendly (without being seen as a flirt), have fun without being hit on, build a closeness that won't be influenced by feelings on one or both sides.  

WRONG!

Naive RSG has struck again.  Not only has this plan majorly backfired over the years, it continues to live on.  Meaning I am stuck in a limbo I cannot escape.....the curse of the unavailable man!

Every time I have tried to get close to someone, it has worked!  Worst of all, usually worked too well.  And please do not think that I am proud to admit this.  Either, I get drunk and am all over the poor guy or vice versa, or there is sober mutual attraction or drunken mutual attraction.

NOT ideal.

As people, we are brought up a certain way, our parents influence our lives, thoughts and experiences.  A lot of the time how we turn out as adults is brought back to the way we were raised and what we were exposed to.  Fortunately for me, I was raised by two amazing parents, who although a little strict at times taught me the value of good morals, right from wrong and general human etiquette including manners etc.

So in terms of parenting, I really have no excuses as to my behaviour in the recent year, make that years.  

Over the past few nights I haven't been sleeping well and I'd be lying if I said I didn't know why. 

Last year, a very observant friend noticed a mutual attraction between me and an engaged friend.  We fought a lot and had heated arguments when having a few drinks.  I had to admit that 'yes' there obviously was an attraction however, as he was engaged and clearly not someone I would ever go for, it wasn't even worth discussing.  We had a laugh about it and thought nothing of it.  Fast forward months later after a drinking session with some work friends, I bumped into this guy.  Him drunk, me drunk = not a good combination.  Admissions were made, plans talked about, a fantastic night of dancing and drinking was had and then him waking up in my bed the next day...nope, not the morals I was brought up with.  I could always blame the drink, however with my past records, that excuse won't fly.

I was clearly mortified and nothing more was said on the matter.  We kept our distance and that was that.

Unfortunately, this year we have been thrown together a few times.  NO, nothing has happened.  However 2 weeks ago I recieved a drunken text.  Nothing crazy, a simple 'are you out'.  Unfortunately for me, I was out, out of control drunk and when I woke up the next day I cannot remember sending any of the messages I did or the 2 phone calls I made...luckily unanswered.  Embarrassment central.

Fast forward to this Saturday just gone and I get another message 'Having a good night?' followed promptly by 'Sorry about the text last weekend, it was my fault - drunken texting! Not your fault at all!" Hmmmm, here we go again....being out after a boozy brunch with the girls I text back (morals out the window), back and forth about being too shy to ask me out etc (YOU'RE engaged for crying out loud - pipes up sober RSG), LUCKILY, thank the moral police, my phone died.

This past week, all set to confront him and tell him he needs to stop messaging me on a Saturday night/ at all, I get a message from him sober.  Nothing out of the ordinary, just a small comment.  Of course I can't help myself and I reply.

Even though I know it is half my fault - for getting involved, pushing my morals aside, disregarding common sense etc - rage has started to brew.  He will never leave her, this is against everything I believe in and want, WHY am I losing sleep over this??? 

Anger + Sad + Frustration = Decision.

I HAVE to tell him no more texting AND I need to grow some balls and start talking to available guys.

Lesson learned? God, I hope so.

I'll keep you posted.

Love RSG xo