The agonizing simplicity of it all!

On holiday with a good friend we spent the weekend filling each other in on what was going on in our lives and events that had happened since we last parted. As you can imagine conversation topics were changed, referred back to, forgotten, elaborated on and usually finished about a day later...we loved it!

On day 3 we touched on what was going on in my love life and during my agonizing story she gave me the most clear and simple piece of advice.  Still to this day I am shocked that I didn't even think it myself or that no one else told me this.  It has everything to do with the dreaded ex (TDE, as he will be referred to).

To give a little background to you, before I spoke to my wisdom filled friend, I would have described myself and my ex to be amicable (obviously living in different countries helps that), we try to catch up when I am back...try being the operative word...that brings me to my conversation with my friend...

What I had explained to my friend (long story short), was basically how every time I am back we try to catch up to no avail.  Sometimes it's him, sometimes me and I was telling my friend that when it was me that I was even almost using excuses so I didn't have to see him...god only knows why. Most recently, him being on holiday it would be easy to catch up, he told me he would give me a call later in the week to organize something.  Never got that call.  The next week, I get a message late at night asking if I am free for brunch the next day....like I had no other plans!!!! Luckily I did but it left me feeling a little bit mad and even more defiant...this was a reoccurring groundhog day situation and it seems that when it comes to TDE I never seem to come out ontop. Emotions (the negative ones) run rampant.  I mean who wants to be a depressed, un confident, grumpy, defiant person...who is effected by the actions of another person...not me!

Believe me when I say I know I have no hold over TDE or any right to his time or thoughts, that is completely my own issue, which I well and truly admit to, but as my friend pointed out to me TDE isn't even a friend to me.  Friends keep in touch even on a basic level (I am the first to admit I am crap at emailing), want to make plans to catch up and are generally there for you when you need them, they add something to your life and vice versa...her question to me was 'What is TDE adding to your life?'

The answer: Nothing, nada, not a thing.  He doesn't keep in contact, seems to expect me to be free at short notice for him, forgets we have plans, never seems to keep to his word and is usually not the instigator of our catch ups. All the before mentioned drive me insane, make me angry and especially defiant and confused.  Friend? Adding something to my life? I think not. So really, what exactly is tying us together anymore? A once a year catch up for an hour or so? I don't think so.

It's so simple...TDE is not a boyfriend anymore and definately not my friend, what is his function in my life....a great memory of what was but other than that...absolutely nothing!

The simplicity of it is mind blowing to me!

Eliminating TDE from my life easier said than done? We'll have to see.

Elimination commencing...

Love RSG xo

That dreaded question

On Saturday I was fortunate enough to attend a friends pre-wedding celebration at the beach (they get married in Canada so wanted to celebrate with their Hong Kong friends). It was a great day full of swimming, BBQ, drinking, banter and laughs. I had not seen a few of these people for awhile so it was great to catch up and seeing my brother was here was a great excuse to introduce him to a few people.

As people started to arrive I was able to briefly talk with a few people. One of the first conversations that I ended up having was ofcourse one that involved my relationship status...and I must admit it caught me completely off guard. It has been so long since anyone had asked me so directly about it:

- So Amy, are you seeing anyone?

Me: "ummm (taken aback) no, no I'm not'

- "Is that by choice or you just haven't met anyone yet?"

Me: (seriously, does anyone actually in their right mind make a choice to be single?) - I think I blathered here a bit and tried to act confident "I just haven't met anyone yet"

- "Have you tried Internet dating sites?"

Me: (OMG! Leave it alone) "Actually yeah, I did it for a blog entry, and I saw ....... on there" (that's actually why I thought she had asked, I thought she knew)

 

I can't remember if I told her about the few dates I went on etc but it was so out of the blue I was shocked. This is something that I would get constantly in NZ but have not really had here at all - and I have liked it.

Don't get me wrong, this girl is lovely, was only probably making conversation, as we hardly hang out and it probably meant nothing but the fact that it took me so much by surprise got me

thinking.

This morning walking to the mtr,enjoying the incredibly quiet, clear, warm day, the conversation popped back into my head.  It made me start to feel really bad....I haven't really tried to find a man here, I've put on weight, I've been really stand offish with guys, what about that guy? - all

those terrible self-depricating thoughts, that we all have at times but never deserve to be feeling.

Then it hit me...why the hell am I feeling so down about this, I have to be joking...look at what I am having to go through/been through in the last year...family and friends constantly on edge, a lot now without family and/or homes, basic necessities turned on and off like a light switch, visitors in HK, numerous procedures and tests, followed by more depressing results followed by a huge dent in the cash department, resulting in more tests, on top of that, a job that does my head in constantly...I mean, why wouldn't I be looking for a bf right now?!?! Read: sarcasm!

 

Thankfully these thoughts gave myself a HUGE kick in the butt and although I would love to be amongst the dating scene (I will be perfectly honest about that!), I'm not entirely sure how it fits in my world right now. I have to realize that other people only see the outside facts and have no idea of what else is happening in my life (and really don't need too).

PLUS- It was not what the girl said, it was more about how it made me feel which is completely my issue.

 

Oh well...maybe I can fit in some dating in NZ...hmmmm not sure how that will work with no CBD and being winter...hibernation is in fashion...oh well....back to the drawingboard!

 

Love RSG xoxo

(THIS POST WAS WRITTEN: 30/31st May)

How hard is it to love the one you are with? What one?

I mean really...who can handle this 'out of control' jandal?

Speaking to a friend via skype conversation the other day he asked me if I was achieving my 'goal'.  He was referring to my goal of finding a guy to 'have fun' with.  Being only at least a week since our last conversation I was flabbergast....

Is he kidding...seriously...it has been a week (maybe 3!), and he expects me to already have a guy on the go...just one laying around ready for my call...one not to fall in love with, just one on the wings..waiting...just waiting....does he know where I live??? 

I mean seriously! My answer was of course one of the most pissed off and pride driven answers (he thinks it just happens to me like that....right on!) -  'I don't know why everyone thinks I can just go out and get a guy!!??!? - was my actual "pissed off" answer.

I mean not just this friend but my dad and also my brother are totally on this band wagon!  My friends on the other hand (NZ and over the seas) are totally not bugging me about this.  Do I take this as pure honesty or just a realistic reaction ("Amy, we have been there, we actually know what it is like for a girl in the real world"), or is it just embarrassment (secretly thinking..."Well why don't you have a guy")

Cries of frustration come from my corner...."Please tell me how...make it easy for me....tell me the secret...what do I have to do?'

My friend replied to my answer with a simple "cos u can" - Yes, this is directly copied from the skype conversation!

Oh, the simple mindedness of boys.

Now, my dearly loved brother is totally not escaping this post...every time I am home we end up in the same argument.  He proclaims "Girls can get action whenever they want".  After awhile this is followed by "But they might not want the ones that want it"

Well, I totally agree but with the opposite...guys can totally have 'interested' girls...they are just not attracted to them.

In my opinion (and I am sure some people will shoot me for this...), but guys are the WORST at the above scenario.  When a girl wants it, she WANTS it.  When a guy does, he is PICKY!

Maybe it comes down to the underlying issue....maybe girls in the interim are looking for fun, but in the long run are looking for the long term?

But isn't everyone?

Isn't the point of life, recreating, falling in love and finding the one you love and NOT just loving the one you are with?

I would love to hear others take on this especially single girls out there....and not the disgruntled males (like have commented on previous posts! Yes, you know who you are!)

Who really does know what they want in their 20's (and if you do...keep your mouth shut! haha) -isn't your 20's all about fun?

Love RSG!! xoxo

Return of the RSG

New Years Eve, with the people I love most, home in NZ, not knowing what was in store for 2011....a very happy RSG!

In my 5 month hiatus I have obviously been through a New Years.  Not one for real resolutions, I usually disregard this tradition, however this year I only really wanted one thing....to have a happy year.  It may seem simple, or strange, or down right ridiculous but after 2010 and a lot of time in the unknown and figuring out some things, I really just wanted to be happy...to have a great year.

One things for sure...and I know this is going to sound absolutely CRAZY to anyone who knows me and what has been happening, not only in my life, but in my family and friends life....but I really am (so far anyway), having the most fantastic year.

Yes, I am still in HUGE debt, my family and friends have suffered through not only 1 but 2 HUGE earthquakes compete with physical and especially ongoing emotional damage, I had to turn down an amazing job opportunity in Germany due to financial reasons, a torn tendon and Abductor Magnus muscle, ongoing physio (also draining on my funds), and this year started with my body still fighting me and not giving me a body free of a potentially cancer causing virus (seriously not a big deal, sounds worse than it is).

However, I am still so happy.

Is my job amazing...no.  Am I challenged...no.  Am I in love...no.  Have I figured out what I want to do living wise...no.  Career wise...no.  Have I conquered myself emotionally...no.  So really, I have no idea what is really causing any of this happiness.  

Well, I can try to analyse:

- I have moved house to a place that is big, new and has the most amazing view.  I absolutely love coming home and for the first time, feel like it is completely mine.  I have decorated it (more debt...but WHO CARES?!)  And am eagerly awaiting the final custom made pieces.  Did I ever think this would impact how a RSG feels...no..but apparently it does.

- I have really worked hard to identify real, true friends, who do not judge, who support me, who let me support them and we can disagree majorly but it never affects how we look at each other and can accept each other for who we are.  Now, this may sound absolutely girly and touchy feely but being a girl who has always struggled with having girlfriends, this is a major feat for me.  I count myself so lucky that at 27, I still have some true friends from my past, some friends that can drop in on their way to Europe (good friends or not), friends who I can really be in the moment with and friends who I can chat with about anything and not have to worry about constant judgement or having to watch what I say.  Happy...HELL yes!

- I am still able to travel near and far more than a few times a year.  Self-explanatory really.  I love being able to go on holidays, explore new places and visit the old or just go home.  I miss home.  Could I go back...hmmm....now that's another story.  Definitely happy with the travel.

- Happy to be close to my family and so glad about how well they are all doing in a ridiculously difficult situation.  Absolutely love them and they mean the world to me.

- My social life has been phenomenal this year.  Not even in a party, party kind of way...does this mean I am getting old?...but I have been doing and seeing the most amazing things...concerts galore including ticking a number of things off my 'Bucket List' - Bob Dylan, The Eagles, Janet Jackson and throwing in a few others for fun..seeing my first (and maybe last) ballet, concerts and dance events.  Throw into the mix ridulous launch parties, fantastically stupid spas on the top floor of trendy hotels and secluded beaches.  Hong Kong, I have to admit, once you get used to you, you seriously aren't too bad.

Now, this entry is not all about my life being 'peachy keen, jellybean', because there is NO WAY IN HELL that that is the case.  It is far from perfect and definitely far from being plain sailing this year.  Believe me, I am sure you will see some of the not so hot points this year sometime.  However, I am planning on sticking to my News Years Resolution and making this year a good one.  Even if it means taking it week by week or even day by day.

Isn't that how a RSG actually does it?

Much love, especially to home,

Arohanui,

Love RSG xoxo