In the words of Mary J.Blige

First night out since being back at work

Last school year (around May for those of you not familiar with the Asian school year), I made a big decision, that I started to try out before summer.

I decided to try to eliminate the drama in my life and get happy again - to be me again.

Cue laughter....because I sure know that, that is one tough ask and also cheesy as hell, however it has started to work.

Instead of trying to please everyone and worrying about what everyone else wanted, needed or thought, I tried to turn it around and worry about what I wanted needed and thought - about me.  I know it is strange to say, it was strange to realise, but I had never really done that before, well not intentionally anyway.

It is probably not news to most people that I have not been the most self confident girl of late and instead or wanting to burden everyone else with my insecurities and mood swings, I decided to do something about them.

I decided to find the real route of my problem:  Why am I so incredibly unhappy?

Pleasing other people and wanting people to like me 

Seriously, how stupid am I?  I have no control over that but it is something that I have always prided myself on.  Why, I have no idea!  It is the biggest mood and confidence sucker in the world, not to mention time waster.  Obviously this is what I have learnt after finally reflecting on everything - enlightened, I am not!

However this is easier said than done, as I am a person who cares about people and wants to make people happy.  I am having to learn how to identify who is actually a true friend and who is not, who I should be trying to care for/ please and who I should be wary of.  I also have found that most people do not realise what they are doing, or my personality does not just get understood or mesh with their own very well.  I am also well aware that with my lack of self confidence and mood swings, I am probably one of those people for a number of others - hence the need for change.

I am a single girl in a big city, living on her own (happily), far away from home and I should feel incredible settled, more than content with my life and happy.  It's time to eliminate the drama.

Next in line was the realization that I don't have to feel bad for not wanting to do everything I am invited to do.  I always get the guilt's (refer to pleasing everyone) and end up doing a lot of things that I don't want to do, or am just not up to doing.  I would even find myself using excuses not to come and that is just ridiculous because I am the worst liar on this entire planet - it is written all over my face - so you can imagine how that went down with people.  

I also had to figure out exactly what I actually wanted to do and with whom, which got a little unsettling and confusing.  I am still trying to work that one out.  I was even getting extremely jealous and down after I started to not go to certain things and heard about them, as I felt that I wasn't missed and they were rubbing it in my face - talk about crazy, however it was something that I had to go through to realise what exactly makes me happy. 

 I mean, how can I be 27 years old and not know what really makes me happy in my everyday life?

So weaning myself off people and standing firm in what I need for myself is something that I have started to work out and as incredibly selfish as it sounds, as long as I am not hurting anybody I am happy with my decisions and I am even starting to feel a real difference.

I am more happy in my everyday life, taking more pride in myself and especially my house (it is definitely sighing in relief at being cleaned on a regular basis), uncluttering my house and being happy with my choices.

I know I have a LONG way to go, it is very hard to change a lifetimes (well 27 years), worth of habits.

To be completely honest, I know that my life will never, ever be drama free however, doing what I have been doing has proven to me that by realising what or who is causing the drama in my life and stepping away from it or avoiding it altogether makes a happy, fun and more confident RSG.

However - I have my moments - I am still human!

Kia kaha,

Love RSG xo